For starters, Fire the entire bureaucracy. Blank slate. Need a government job? It’s your lucky day! Fill all the positions at random out of the phone book, minimum wage. Got border trouble? Build a bullet train straight down the sucker! Put an 8 lane free way right next to it. That’s just before the thing fills in with a solid string of Smart Centers and assorted shopping malls, shooting ranges, etc… Homey Depot… Wall Mart… Chick Fill, Eh? Chopotle Mexican Grills… A string of Starbucks so huge you could throw a rock and hit three of ’em. That sorta stuff… It’ll be Amazing!!!
Even Donald Trump admires Canadians. Republican field is pretty crowded though. Run as a Democrat. What’ s the difference anyways, if you don’t get rid of that government bureaucracy? Iranians want their money? Pay ’em in Loonies! FOB Montana! Install the flat tax. Have a continuous lottery where random winners get reimbursed for all the tax they paid on receipts… Double! Quadruple it every so often to get rid of all the unclaimed surplus. Need GMO Labels? Put mandatory billboards in front of every supermarket. “Warning! This dump is filled with Weedkiller Laced “Food,” and pretty GMO veggies with Extra Pectin for a three month shelf life!”
Canada actually has an election coming up, but it’s too late for that one. How would you fix the mess in either country? No matter who gets elected, the bureaucracy runs the show anyways. Health care? Go back to Eclectic Medicine with Naturopaths as a reimbursed government service first, then expensive doctors second to catch what falls through those cracks, not the other way around like it is now. Going to have to do something quick with all the baby boomers retiring. Want to level the playing field? Award everybody a number of votes equal to $1 Million divided by your income! 20K is the minimum for 50 votes. If you’re unemployed, I hear the gubmint is hirin’! Better play fair, because you’ll be lookin’ again in two years! We can let the media do performance reviews. They’re good at that. Not necessarily fair, but good. lulz
I could change my name. That’s allowed when you run for President. How about Dilbert Grump? Foreign policy? Who cares when you win the Peace Prize first week in office? America: Love it or leave it? Let’s be realistic. America: Love it like your Ex. No matter what you do, it’s gonna half hate your gutz too, Same with the foreigners, but who cares? They’re gonna throw half your shzt out on the lawn of the White House at some juncture.
Sequester? I say let it fester. The bureaucracy can’t count their balls twice and get the same number, as it is. Run government agencies like those prescription radio beepers. Shop while you’re waiting to get your prescription/gov’t service filled. Accept MC/PayPal/Visa. Get a free year of education for each year of gov’t service. What about The Supremes and the 23rd Amendment? Buy a Photoshopped birth certificate at Kinkoz with the PayPal while you wait. You can write an App to scan cemeteries for votes that aren’t registered… yet. Better hurry though. They get sopped up quick with the absentee ballots as that fateful day approaches.
Run a separate email server? Absolutely! Fill it fulla a bunch of psyops shzt begging for it to get stolen, and the po’ h4><0r baztzrds will be so confused from all the bullshzt you put on it, you’ll PWN them in a second! They want intelligence? Give them more than they bargained for! Make up a whole 100K+ emails line o’ bullshzt making it look like The Kremlin answers to YOU, cc’d to Israel! The Chinese will love it. Actually lend credence to every single whack conspiracy theory out there on YouTube, including alien invasion government control conspiracies over your BlackBerry Messenger running ‘Droid on an HTC OneX+ emulation, spoofing a jailbroken iPhone, while you golf at Area 51! The Alien can’t golf worth a shzt either! His weight transfer is all wrong, an’ he doesn’t keep his left tentacles straight! Use the NSA to drain their bank accounts while they snoop your “lair.” lulz
Nahh… Too believable given what the current narrative is, You would have to bring something New to the table. The truth has been done. So has the Alternate Truth. Maybe that’s the angle… The New! and Improved! Truth! Tell people OK, you give, you put all these nanomachines in them from outer space, and the antidote is Wild Apple Leaf. They’ve PWN+ mankind’s azz since 1947 where they crashed at Roswell, but now I’m here to save the day, and give their freeloadin’ shape shiftin’ alien butts the boot outta your booty. It started out as a fraternity prank, but then it got way outta hand, although we think we might have them on the run now <cough, cough>. They’ve been controlling your mind since shortly after you were born, and they made you vote for <insert name here> to keep everything screwed up enough, so you’d never catch on. You can’t be rescued by an American, because you are all worm waste now, just like they planned it, to rule the World! <Muwahahahaha!> Now all they have to do is get rid of You! Luckily, some dumb azzed Canuck rescued America, much to the chagrin of nearly everybody, since they thought *They* could pick up the pieces while you were getting yer azz bored six ways from Sunday by nematodes and parasites you can’t even find, Until Now! Meanwhile, they’ve lined your entire body with worm snawt made out of spaghetti and Kraft Dinner and potatoes you ate, mixed up with all your brain cells they stole! They made you go bald by eating the hair right out of your folicles to make their biofilm in your brains with, tougher than a Buffalo’s Butt, left too long on a cheap Offshore WalMart Bar-B-Que! Let’s take it Back from the shape shiftin’ alien baztzrds that stole it, along with Congress’s Brain! These worms know how to really do something with nothing, so you had better get with the program!! Elect me, and I have the plan to Take America Back!!! <cue marching band>
In short, it’d be pretty much the same old, same old… Well, except for those nematode parasites. They’re Real. They’re in you as you are reading this, and so are they, hedging their bets should you actually take it seriously before a jar of phages, that sting them like hungry hornets, homing hungrily, on the Mystery Meat sandwiches festering in the sun, gets unleashed from some Wild Apple Leaf fibre, grown out of bug bit deer poop, complete with all the phage library intact. So where did all this come from? Bugs. They got it from The Ocean, rumour has it. They bit you. Now you’re “It!” Lyme, Connecticut, gets it from Atlantic Salmon. It appears to have knocked mine all the way back to RMSF, and a bunch of biofilm, still dissolving out. Migratory birds carry it all over the world. Is that as disjointed, and poorly written, as a typical US/Canadian election run trainwreck? As for that 23rd Amendment, Canada was a Puppet State when I was born in it, wasn’t it? Close enough, since there’s a precedent, if somebody is lying about their age <cough, cough>. I guess they had a bit of trouble matching gamma back before Gimp or Photoshoppe. That’s all fire under the bridge, now, though. Forward!
What would a Grump Presidency look like? Lots of Chickens. Lots of Pot(s)! We may not be able to do a chicken in every pot, but we can probably manage some pot for every chick!! <shrug> lol There would be an explosion of science from Wild Apple Leaves clearing everybody’s windshield, and turning on the lights. There would be an explosion in actual health and not health care from everybody living longer, with a large reduction in burden on the public health care system, as everybody unloads at least 10+% of their body weight in worms and old lead and nicotine saturated bacterial biofilm alone! Stopping all the hidden pesticides, herbicides, and residual genetic modifying substances in food, will be a huge boost, as well. Government jobs would no longer be a career, but a part time online service run by half or fully naked people out of their Mothers’ basements. There will be free broadband wireless everywhere. Drones and planes will all have collision avoidance systems. Self driving cars will be in vogue, with the ubiquitous collision avoidance system spring boarded by drone popularity and technological quantum leaps. It will be Huge, and Amazing! Our fully automated space based military will be so awesome and fraught with bugs, nobody in their right mind would ever mess with us, including us! China won’t be ripping us off, and will change to ripping us on! Putin will be lonely and pizzed off, pinned down in the corner, scared shztless to move, with defective, shoddily made, ripped off design, stolen software, Russian drones flying all around on full auto! He’ll be purgin’ his Pampers bi-hourly because he ever tried to mess with the likes of us! There’ll be religion of freedom and freedom of religion! You can celebrate any kind of Christmas you like!!! Whiney foreigners ripping us off will be frantically stampeding for the exits! There’ll be no more IRS, but a Lotto Americana stash, growing bigger at the former rate of the National Debt!!