Day 630 is a month into spring. There was the whole 4:20 smoker’s party thing yesterday but I missed it. It was international excuse to get ripped day, by smoking. The leaves here are just waking up. We have a short intense growing season at this latitude, but I can’t get out of this quit smoking failure funk. A piece of nicorette seems pointless. I’m a poster child for the congenitally hooked, with both parents smoking through pregnancy.
Nicotine is a terrible monkey on your back. Witness the prevalence of E-cigarettes. Pills sell by the bucket load, but the treatment is worse than the disease. I just wanted something to keep the bugs at bay, but at what cost? It affects my writing trying to stave off cravings. There seems to be no relief. Deep breathing, gum, chewing a twig. All futile. I just keep quitting quitting. My will power is not power enough.
Smokers fool themselves into liking smoking. It’s an addiction with a 15Q25 genetic weakness. To cut down to a level where quitting is possible gets harder. If it worked for you I have to say you are a better person than I can manage. The recent discovery of the smoking gene explains why it is so tough for some people. There can be an addictive predisposition that curses our very existence. That’s all I need. Another excuse.
When very young I didn’t understand why I liked that moment when a parent would light up. Was I already hooked? The initial smell of the smoke lured me in. Now they say tobacco is nuclear from all the atomic bomb testing. There are radioactive molecules in the tobacco plants. If it is that bad, how about food plants and trees? Another thing to worry about for the atomic generation, as if there already wasn’t enough. I went to a quit smoking online help page to commiserate. A zyban makes cigarettes taste worse, and actually helps for me. My addiction level was analysed as high by that site.
My apple twig gets a little softer as I chew on it. In early grade school I chewed pencils like lots of others. Across class it loo1ked like a miniature Mission Control of faux smokers. Phloridzin actually is sweet as you gnaw at it more though. Finally something useful for quitting I hope. There is a dark outer bark layer, and a light inner layer that softens from sucking on it. It peels easier when soaked more just from saliva. I still can’t make it through a day quitting though.
I would be a poster child for burning the candle at both ends. The insect pressure and the cigarettes. One end down, one to go. The bugs worms are largely smoked out by the apple bark, but sometimes there are new ones. The cigarettes may kill me out of worrying how to stop. “Just stop!” people opine. I do but it won’t last, and the addiction is too powerful. I cut my smoking in half. Same thing. I read that only 5% who resolve to quit are successful at any one time. That’s not a good sign. It is the hardest drug addiction to break, and with ongoing withdrawal symptoms. Replacement therapy is an ongoing battle.
I ponder it over my apple stick, still “jonesing” for the evil weeds. They run my life even in their absence. Celery and carrot replacement therapy does not help me. Feeling guilty has me reaching for gum, lighting and stubbing one out. A few deep breaths. Still nibbling the twig. Feeling it in the lower legs. I cut off a 3″ chunk, so there is that habitual draw. Dismissing cravings out of guilt. Other people have actually done this. I sympathise with their misery. Yet I fail again, unable to move past Day One. How little can I get past it with? One dart too many?
The whole thing about smoking is dumb, yet many smart people are in the same boat. I see story after story. I have a coffee thing I can’t shake either. They say it is literally all in your mind, but I know that just shows how much lock your endocrine systems have on it. Smoking was automatic, and breaking that is the hard part. First getting over the pain of the bugs, and now this. They just control my life too much. I have to quit quitting quitting.